19 May 2006

 

15. The Da Vinci Code

We were shocked to learn today that this film, inspired by a pulp bestseller of the same name, opens in theaters today. We thought that, based on all the associated programming/merchandising, etc., that this film had been showing for the past 36 weeks, and was probably due out on DVD sometime soon.
Readers may be aware that controversy swirls around Code like stink on roadkill. There are those who allege that author Dan Brown stole the idea for the story. Some say the story is insulting to their religious beliefs, and even plan to protest the film's showing at theaters as if they were being bilked out of their retirement savings by some monstrous conglomerate.
Let it be known that TBA will not cross the Da Vinci Code picket line. We have had it up to here with the overblown hyping of the whole Holy Grail mystery. The intrigues in the mountains of Southern France, the secret societies and inter-religion squabbling.
The grail is not meant be found. The last best attempt ended in disaster, when King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, within sight of the grail's final resting place in Castle Aaaaagh, were arrested by London Police on suspicion of killing an historian named Frank.
Nor do we care to witness any more television programming based upon Dan Brown's life, his automobile of choice, his childhood schools, or his other lame thriller fiction. He is a decidedly mediocre literary figure, and, anyway, this programming is generally of low production value, and is more often than not hosted by an un-reconstructed Dungeons & Dragons enthusiast in a wide-brimmed hat.
We can take some small consolation in the fact that the film is being mercilessly panned by critics and that Tom Hanks has been made up for his part to look like a vagrant dishwasher at a sleazy diner. Get that man a hair-net!

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